My current 'desk'!

I think I’ve finally put my finger on the source of this feeling of un-ease I’ve been having lately: it’s the fact that no one is telling me what to do anymore.  And contrary to what you might think, that’s pretty scary.  It hit me as I was going to bed the other night–in a bed in a condo 1,100 miles from my home.  I realized that I just decided I was going to do this–and here I am.  And really–who does that?

I’ve spent the last four days (and most of today) in the hot Florida sun, taking notes for what will eventually become a book.  And while it is true that I found a publisher that is interested, I don’t have a contract (or an editor).  And while it is true that I spent months working on the proposal for this book, the reality is that the finished product is going to be quite different from what I imagined back in Pennsylvania in February.  And the scariest part of all is that I’m completely in charge of how it turns out.  No one is giving me any direction.

I don’t think I realized until right now that I really have spent my whole life being told what to do.   I went to school and my teachers told me to do work…and sometimes I did it.  My parents told me I was going to college (because they really didn’t like my plan of going to Esalen to learn to be a massage therapist slash Reiki practitioner) so I went to college–and then my professors told me what to do.  When I graduated and got a teaching job there were scores of people telling me what to do–school board members, administrators, parents, the state…even other colleagues.  To keep my job (and keep peace within it) I did all of those things.

But now I’m completely and totally on my own.

How very, very scary…yet liberating.  But mostly scary!